new underwear

While travelling to office in the morning I was thinking about a lot of things like I always do...I was looking at school children, tired women, cracked heels and the afternoon sun. Amongst other things I was thinking how I needed to go an buy some new underwear.. mine were still in good shape, comfortable, no holes and not faded or discoloured but they were a year old...and I just thought I had to have new ones. Then suddenly another thought popped up...arent relationships like underwear? Like new underwears are crisper, you take more time to settle in with them, you keep them more carefully, you make sure they are washed carefully, you keep a tab on them for a while and then after a few washes they become just another underwear...of course some are still more special than the others but you are still take them for granted and expect them to be there in your drawers. You no more keep them wrappd in teh the bag you bought them in or keep them only for special ocassions....dont we all need new underwears in our relationships? When we take our partners for granted...they are comfortable, not torn, well-worn, not faded but they are just 'old'.....hmmmm.....sigh...maybe I should go shopping

pseudo-modernism

I just finished reading The Girld of Riyadh (thanks Neha for lending me the book). Its not the first book on the Islam or its people that I have read, its a subject that has always interested me. My friend told me this book was different. It was. An account of the lives of Saudi Arabia's velvet class, teh story of four young girls and their quest of finding love, happiness and their identity. I started reading with a sympathetic eye...poor girls - dominating men and no license to drive and I belong to the cosmopolitan Mumbai - wear lesser clothes, can drive, can go out alone, can fall in love.

Rajaa, the author of the book talks about her four friends and their lives where all but one are unsucessful because of some Saudi men who are keen to fall in love with these vivacious and outgoing women but prefer a wallflower to get married to. But that's the story here as well. I speak for myself and my life so maybe people who read this disagree with what I have to say. But inmy experience I have come across men, their dream girl is different from tehir ideal wife - Simple not evolved, loving not passionate, pretty not hot, educated not fiercely ambitious, selfless not independent, homely not wild, shy not outspoken, boring not a gypsy at heart, presentable not sexy, shy not over the top, knows to cook not to grind, makes babies and not endless love...we may call ourselves modern, the new generation, different from our parents - but listening to rock and sporting a Louis Vuitton doesn't chnage the minset. The difference between Mumbai and Riyadh is simple if you ask me - they acknowledge and believe in what tehy implement and live large within that but we under the guise of being 'cosmopolitan' still wear dhotis in our mind. I guess thats the difference between conviction and hypocrisy.

As is this

As posessive as death. As deadly as a secret. As destructive as a grapevine. As cold as an unloved heart. As loving as a puppy. As alive as life. As beautiful as the mirror. As honest as the soul. As cunning as the mind. As warm as a hug. As painful as distance. As guilty as envy. As elusive as a woman. As tempting as chocolate. As pure as making love. As absorbing as passion. As forgiving as a mother. As touching as friendship. As healthy as the morning sun. As wild as youth. As nonchalant as boredom. As reassuring as hands. As life-changing as birth. As maddening as money. As curious as a lover. As innocent as a virgin. As humble as poverty. As rich as desire. As liberating as an orgasm. As selfless as love. As unholy as infidelity. As precious as books. As sturdy as family. As old as tradition. As rooted as rituals. As baseless as rumours.

Untrue love

Untrue because I just feel love is so over-rated and is only a manifestation of the mind that we can choose to control. I think you just come in this world alone....ur partner is just a companion through the journey but u ALONE have to find your destinyand fulfil your purpose of life - so u come alone and leave this world alone. Love is just to fill the in-between void and again one must remember that there are so many different kinds of love and you can love so many different people at the same time.

Maybe not everyone would agree with what I have to say but it isn't true then why do people fight and expect things out of each other in a relationship.....in fact its the expectation that murders a relationship. If love was true why is no love unconditioal, why aren't we selfless? We are all innately selfish and hence we are all important to ourselves. The other person will be just that the OTHER person.

At this point my friend Simrath butts in - "Good thought but what about the implementation??"

Understanding the concept of "untrue love" will help in the implementation. This thought just makes understanding between two people better. We will be happy with our partners because we know that it is ME who is here for a purpose and all will fall into place. You will expect less from the other person and you will be easy on yourself in return. Its not a pessimistic attitude towards love....its a realistic one and I'm sure it is also the route to a happier relationship....I mean after all you do want to have a pleasant journey on your way to fulfilling your destiny. Who wants to be sitting with a boring grumpy partner when you have a long potholed journey ahead?

I want...

I want to hug my heart and cry. I want to eat all I want without feeling guilty or fat. I want to quit my job and travel the world. I want to have a one-night unattached, unemotional, uncommitted fling. I want buy a house on the beach. I want to get thin. I want a holiday. I want to sing for the whole world. I want to be famous. I want true love. I want to know about my past life. I want....later

My random state of mind

malice/ love/ tyrant/ posessive/ envy/ lust/ rules/ rebel/ blood/ divine/ me/ mine/ own/ free/ kill/ fly/ run/ wait/ meditate/ dance/ celebrate/ move/ sex/ steal/ coherent/anger/ why/break/ find/ ruin/ fuck/ desire/ hell/ crack/icecream/ hope/holiday/ cheat/ mix/fantasies/ hug/ violence/ kiss/mess/ forge/ kink/misery/one/illusion/ distance/ futile/ together/ college/ mind/alone/ live/ whole/ spirit/ joke/ eyes/dust/ god/ body/ miracle/ marriage/ work/ breasts/ opinion/ money/ slut/ boyfriends/ shoes/ garbage/ fun/ dark/ youth/ quick/ lie/ morbid/ hehehehe/ sing/ belly button/ mute/ dogs/ cosy/ sea/ men/ sun/ hands/ dervish/ drums/ sand/ hair/ ghungroo/ skirt/ blanket/ condom/ cell phone/ cry/ die/ rigid/ cold/ squeaky/ boho/ toe nails/ biryani/ exams/ guilt/ Goa/ clothes/ fever/ stop

Straight from the stink-pot in my new house

12: 30 am (late night) - 75% per cent vaastu friendly said my dad proudly today as we shift back to a familiar suburb and a brand new house. No paint and polish smells, thank god for that, but a fine white powdery dust follows us around the house. I am 24, adventurous only to a point where I can come back to my sweet messy room....I feel too old to accept a change in home especially within the same city....anyway, coming back to the stink pot...well, I sit here trying to rid myself of all the spicy restaurant biryani, maggi noodles and fried chaklis we ate today. But the bigger reason is that my new home is devoid of any electricity at the precise moment we decide to end a hard day with some dreamless sleep...we had it in the day, all running and perfect.

3:00 pm - We generously said no to the airconditioning, "being in such a high floor, so much breeze, no?"commented an aunty who had come over to help...while all of us proudly nodded in agreement...and cut to now...12:13 pm...my curtains that were earlier flirting with the wind seem to be in a deep slumber and nothing has moved....its dark, hot, uncomfortable, my laptop that kept me company for a few hours is now dying, cant save him, no power, so I savour his company in the loo which is a scary place to be in if its new and dark and you are still unfamiliar with the plumbing and not to mention - the proper place for the toilet paper....but as sleep eludes me frustration is rising...I try to think of all the self-help books I have read and think about 'meditating', 'switching off' the mind,'the power of the subconscious mind' but none help.

9:00 pm (just as the power trips) My parents fight as mum blames dad for this neligence...my sister is draining one phone battery after the other and I take this as the pefect sign to lose my temper. All of us are spending our first night in our new house in our separate rooms - angry, agitated,uncomfortable, home-sick and highly restless - If it wasnt for the near-perfect vaastu home, I wonder what else could've happened.

Tehelka

I picked up the new and improved Tehelka on my way to office...I'm a compulsive buyer and on a diet so as I saw myself heading for a sinful packet of cheesies screaming Must Bites, I decided to make an intelligent purchase instead. Writing features on fashion and trends and profiling rags-to-riches stories keeps me away from the political and economic issues of the country as I gaily prance in my dream world with Harry Potters, Guy de Maupassant, One Hundred Years of Solitude and conversations over cranberry Mojitos....but never before today have I felt so shallow and ditsy.

While the first story of the magazine talks about the Eklavya-Dharm feud I am in home territory but as a continue turning pages I came across topics that left me just short of tears...usually my only worry is my constant weight fluctuation, I normally shed tears when I find it difficult to get into my favourite pair of jeans.

This is the list of events that left me disturbed and for once it has nothing to do with fashion or arts:

• The Fodder Scam: I heard its mentions in jokes on the very-caricaturish Laloo and also caught glimpses of it on news channels but that is stale news right? No!! Because we, the public have such short-lived memories, politicians like Laloo get away with crime, our money, your money, my money! The entire scam worth 950 crores has been forgotten in a jiffy. Laloo resigned and Rabri reigned, he still has five cases charged against him and all I have ever done is laughed at the hair growing out of his ears..the joke's on me I now realise.
• Capital Punishment: I have seen it in movies and know it can happen in reality. Pakistani national Mohammad Arif has been sentenced to die in the Red Fort attack case, he maintains he is a RAW operative, the evidence is patchily put together and the entire case was solved within a week (I dont think they can find a lost dog that soon) - the very thought that an innocent man might be hanging while his tongue sticks out and the bladder gives way as is ineveitable with a dying man, I retch.
• Raju Narayanswamy: A man who topped his class in IIT Chennai and was offered a scholarship from MIT refused it only for a career in IAS. His path has been glorious but not glamourous. As the district collector of Idukki he spoke against ministers encroaching on tribal and farmland to build hotel properties. He refused bribes to support projects that could lead to the deluge of many tribal homes and families - the fact that nobody would find out, ever, is only incidental. But guess what, he has recently been transferred to another area.

I think this is an age where such exposes elicit rage for the moment followed by complete non-chalance. I am educated but not curious enough or bothered to know how my country is being led. I have access to newspapers, channels and multiple sources of news...I wonder if the other not literate millions are as unperturbed.

I won't stop wearing my Aldo shoes or my Gucci perfume, I won't even stop worrying about my weight but maybe this sudden surge of emotion in me will make me a more aware citizen or maybe in another week when the images die out and the flaming words I read stop haunting me - I will once again settle into the cocoon of my secure world, as the country I was born in and love with all my heart keeps weeping silently. She protests and fights back when she can bear no more but finding herself alone she just looks on silently as she is stripped and raped...maybe she will watch as her sinners hack her limbs and parade her half-dead in front of the world while I (and maybe a few million others), lie at her bosom sleeping in peace.

Not Without My Dude !!

Every morning I wake up to see him looking at me with his rich chocolate brown eyes, as I struggle to open one eye at a time, he runs his ticklish pink tongue over my eyes, moving on to my nose and lips (and invariably my teeth because I am smiling by now)....and it's the perfect beginning to my non-perfect and sometimes horror struck day. The love of my love, my handsome, adorable and insanely lovable canine, Dude.

All those who share similar thoughts on these four legged angels will know that I don't exaggerate when I say that having a pet is the best thing you could do for yourself. And no its not the unconditional love or the being faithful bit of it that excites me....its just the fact that my Dude's a bundle of joy, love, energy and everything positive and being around him brings only me boundless happiness. His doggy smell in the room as I sleep is comforting and his readiness to share a few moments of kisses and licks is contagious...his clumsy plops on my stomach work like magic even though he fails to understand that being a labrador he gets heavier by the minute!! As he stands at the window to see me leave for office I always look back and wave and he does the same with his tail of course....I cannot even begin to describe these little joys that he brings me everyday in a world where no relationship is friction-free. He undeniably is the coolest Dude around and if you ever met my naughty little ladycharmer I bet you will say the same.

My Circle of Desire

Maybe I'm the only person in the world who has such a tough time making decisions about anything and everything....I can't decide the flavour of icecream I want even when they allow you to taste at the Baskin Robbins and Gelato outlets (yes, I try them all)...and even when I do finally choose one I end up not liking it as much as I thought I would! This of course translates into a lot of more important decisions in my life, meaning people and profession.

Has the 21st century spoilt us with choice in every aspect of our lives...were times when Britannia was the only bread, milk was a wholesome meal, hand me downs were preferred clothing and oil was good for your hair - the good times? Children got married when and to who their parents asked them to and a humble job that put meal on the table was enough to see you through life.

I remember my childhood when things were quite simple, perspectives narrower and lives traditional...those times didn't cause conflict, sleep was sounder and the body was healthier but if you ask me whether they were happier....I don't know. A simple and conflict free life does not necessarily mean a happy life and although I feel the frustrations of every day decisions whether its choosing a Nokia over a Motorolla, a job I love versus a job that pays more or relationships that take every bit of my energy but are worth having at the end of the day - everyday, day after day I feel the pressure and although the mind seeks simplicty and nirvana, the heart seems trapped in these everyday challenges....is this what they call moh maya or the circle of desire?