My random state of mind

malice/ love/ tyrant/ posessive/ envy/ lust/ rules/ rebel/ blood/ divine/ me/ mine/ own/ free/ kill/ fly/ run/ wait/ meditate/ dance/ celebrate/ move/ sex/ steal/ coherent/anger/ why/break/ find/ ruin/ fuck/ desire/ hell/ crack/icecream/ hope/holiday/ cheat/ mix/fantasies/ hug/ violence/ kiss/mess/ forge/ kink/misery/one/illusion/ distance/ futile/ together/ college/ mind/alone/ live/ whole/ spirit/ joke/ eyes/dust/ god/ body/ miracle/ marriage/ work/ breasts/ opinion/ money/ slut/ boyfriends/ shoes/ garbage/ fun/ dark/ youth/ quick/ lie/ morbid/ hehehehe/ sing/ belly button/ mute/ dogs/ cosy/ sea/ men/ sun/ hands/ dervish/ drums/ sand/ hair/ ghungroo/ skirt/ blanket/ condom/ cell phone/ cry/ die/ rigid/ cold/ squeaky/ boho/ toe nails/ biryani/ exams/ guilt/ Goa/ clothes/ fever/ stop

Straight from the stink-pot in my new house

12: 30 am (late night) - 75% per cent vaastu friendly said my dad proudly today as we shift back to a familiar suburb and a brand new house. No paint and polish smells, thank god for that, but a fine white powdery dust follows us around the house. I am 24, adventurous only to a point where I can come back to my sweet messy room....I feel too old to accept a change in home especially within the same city....anyway, coming back to the stink pot...well, I sit here trying to rid myself of all the spicy restaurant biryani, maggi noodles and fried chaklis we ate today. But the bigger reason is that my new home is devoid of any electricity at the precise moment we decide to end a hard day with some dreamless sleep...we had it in the day, all running and perfect.

3:00 pm - We generously said no to the airconditioning, "being in such a high floor, so much breeze, no?"commented an aunty who had come over to help...while all of us proudly nodded in agreement...and cut to now...12:13 pm...my curtains that were earlier flirting with the wind seem to be in a deep slumber and nothing has moved....its dark, hot, uncomfortable, my laptop that kept me company for a few hours is now dying, cant save him, no power, so I savour his company in the loo which is a scary place to be in if its new and dark and you are still unfamiliar with the plumbing and not to mention - the proper place for the toilet paper....but as sleep eludes me frustration is rising...I try to think of all the self-help books I have read and think about 'meditating', 'switching off' the mind,'the power of the subconscious mind' but none help.

9:00 pm (just as the power trips) My parents fight as mum blames dad for this neligence...my sister is draining one phone battery after the other and I take this as the pefect sign to lose my temper. All of us are spending our first night in our new house in our separate rooms - angry, agitated,uncomfortable, home-sick and highly restless - If it wasnt for the near-perfect vaastu home, I wonder what else could've happened.

Tehelka

I picked up the new and improved Tehelka on my way to office...I'm a compulsive buyer and on a diet so as I saw myself heading for a sinful packet of cheesies screaming Must Bites, I decided to make an intelligent purchase instead. Writing features on fashion and trends and profiling rags-to-riches stories keeps me away from the political and economic issues of the country as I gaily prance in my dream world with Harry Potters, Guy de Maupassant, One Hundred Years of Solitude and conversations over cranberry Mojitos....but never before today have I felt so shallow and ditsy.

While the first story of the magazine talks about the Eklavya-Dharm feud I am in home territory but as a continue turning pages I came across topics that left me just short of tears...usually my only worry is my constant weight fluctuation, I normally shed tears when I find it difficult to get into my favourite pair of jeans.

This is the list of events that left me disturbed and for once it has nothing to do with fashion or arts:

• The Fodder Scam: I heard its mentions in jokes on the very-caricaturish Laloo and also caught glimpses of it on news channels but that is stale news right? No!! Because we, the public have such short-lived memories, politicians like Laloo get away with crime, our money, your money, my money! The entire scam worth 950 crores has been forgotten in a jiffy. Laloo resigned and Rabri reigned, he still has five cases charged against him and all I have ever done is laughed at the hair growing out of his ears..the joke's on me I now realise.
• Capital Punishment: I have seen it in movies and know it can happen in reality. Pakistani national Mohammad Arif has been sentenced to die in the Red Fort attack case, he maintains he is a RAW operative, the evidence is patchily put together and the entire case was solved within a week (I dont think they can find a lost dog that soon) - the very thought that an innocent man might be hanging while his tongue sticks out and the bladder gives way as is ineveitable with a dying man, I retch.
• Raju Narayanswamy: A man who topped his class in IIT Chennai and was offered a scholarship from MIT refused it only for a career in IAS. His path has been glorious but not glamourous. As the district collector of Idukki he spoke against ministers encroaching on tribal and farmland to build hotel properties. He refused bribes to support projects that could lead to the deluge of many tribal homes and families - the fact that nobody would find out, ever, is only incidental. But guess what, he has recently been transferred to another area.

I think this is an age where such exposes elicit rage for the moment followed by complete non-chalance. I am educated but not curious enough or bothered to know how my country is being led. I have access to newspapers, channels and multiple sources of news...I wonder if the other not literate millions are as unperturbed.

I won't stop wearing my Aldo shoes or my Gucci perfume, I won't even stop worrying about my weight but maybe this sudden surge of emotion in me will make me a more aware citizen or maybe in another week when the images die out and the flaming words I read stop haunting me - I will once again settle into the cocoon of my secure world, as the country I was born in and love with all my heart keeps weeping silently. She protests and fights back when she can bear no more but finding herself alone she just looks on silently as she is stripped and raped...maybe she will watch as her sinners hack her limbs and parade her half-dead in front of the world while I (and maybe a few million others), lie at her bosom sleeping in peace.